keep your head high and your heart low
by hopesucks
Summary: In which Petra Ral survives the 57th expedition but at a cost. [petra-centric]::[rivetra]
1. keep your head high and your heart low

Petra does not feel pain.

It is far from the searing and burning ache from her legs to her back, at first. Or is it the moment when the doctors have to perform an immediate removal without anesthetics. The useless and still healing stump of what used to be her legs as she barely moves it from one spot to another. It is far from just seeing of what used to be her useful body part. No, it is far worse.

Petra feels nothing but numbness.

It is deeper than any injury her body has managed, deeper than the surface and she feels as if the world has swallowed her in darkness and dared to keep her in that way. She is lost and at the same time, empty. Nothing feels right anymore and she wonders if it because of the useless stump of what remained of her legs. Wonders because she never, never in her life, have felt this numbness before.

She wonders if she even cares too, especially when Levi comes to see her. It has been a couple of months after the expedition, after her honorable discharge from duty and after their deaths. Petra had to put up with the pitiful looks from her fellow comrades, as she leaves, but she maintains a strong front.

She actually hates it. Pity. The looks they give to her as she was taken away from the barracks, it made her despise her current situation. After all, who wouldn't like to have your whole squad get killed except for you and well, her captain who wasn't there to save them?

She wonders if she hates the Captain, hates the fact that he chose to stay with the Commander, hates that he is the one feeling sorry for her – their – friend's deaths, hates to see her leave because of him. She wants to hate him, but a part of her chose not to.

So, she is not quite sure what to feel when she was told that Captain Levi's outside her door, after a few months after her leave.

Her father's by the door and she can tell he is not happy about it. Her father came to blame him for everything and Petra, at first, tries to stop him, but he was so adamant on his stand that it took almost her energy to even bother anymore.

So, she decides to go to the door to avoid any conflict between the two males.

She wheels herself towards the door to find her father face-to-face with her former Captain. He's not wearing the military uniform so she is thankful to find no neighbors sparing any conspicuous glances at them. Though he is wearing a plain white polo shirt with a vest and black pants. Thankfully, he hasn't seen her yet.

"Captain." she greets, moving to her father's side who seems wary of their visitor.

He looks down at her – yes, she is in a wheelchair and yes her stumps are blanketed, but _please_ don't look at her like that – and if there is any indication that he indeed felt something wrong at looking at her new form, he didn't show but Petra knows there is something.

"Petra." He greets back.

He shifts his gaze from her to her father again and nods silently in respect. The older man kept his cold stare but reluctantly complies when Petra took his hand and quietly gripped it, hoping he would understand.

He sighs, "I'll leave you two inside, I got somewhere to be.", and excuses himself as he leaves the house.

Now, they're both left alone. This is the only hard thing for her, admitting to the pain, but she hopes to herself she won't break.

"You should come inside. It must be getting cold." She says, noting how chilly the wind must be for him. It may be afternoon, still, but she believes it has something to do with their current mood.

He only hums in reply, enters her house and closes the door behind him. She back wheels herself so that she facing the other way in order to lead them to the living room. It must be hard for him, she thinks, 'cause she sees his gaze on her and she knows, that he knows that he is the cause of her predicament. That he is the reason why she feels so empty inside.

"How's Eren?" Petra asks, as they reach the living room, and she pushes the wheels on her wheelchair to turn around.

Then she gestures to the vacant couch for him to take a seat. He declines, insisting that he'll just stand there. Oh well, it must mean this will probably be a short visit, should she even call it that, so she just paid no mind.

"He's doing fine." He replies.

"Though he may sometimes cause a ruckus with the other brats but other than that, he's fine."

He snorts at the last statement and Petra recalls back at the time when they had fun being with each other's presence. It must be nice for Eren, he still has his family with him. It must be nice.

"You doing alright?" he then asks her.

Of course, Levi would want to know. Being her former Captain, it must be irresponsible of him and as a close friend, it must hurt a lot. Of course it would hurt for the both of them. The only frustrating thing is that he doesn't show it.

Petra doesn't answer him immediately. To be honest, she's not quite sure if she's fine. It just hurts and the pain then turns into nothingness. Actually, she doesn't know what to say. She just looks at him with a faraway look because the answer must be there somewhere.

He must be getting the hint because he turns his gaze away from her. His silver orbs locking into a portrait picture of her displayed on the wall. Ah… she was young at that time back when the spoils of war hadn't taint her innocence. Her copper hair used to be a shoulder length long but coming into the military, she had to cut it.

He lowers his gaze and mutters, "I'm sorry."

' _Sorry I wasn't there'_

Petra can only give him a blank daze, the feeling of unknown and of uncertainty taking control of her. She feels the heavy feeling in her chest and she struggles to utter a word to stop it from washing through her entire body. This, she hates. It feels like poison.

Her lips slowly part and she hopes, prays that anything will come out but Levi beats her to it, turning back his eyes to her.

"It's getting late, I should go." He turns for the door and she doesn't move to stop him nor does she say a word. She watches him exit through the door and only when he's out of sight, she feels the numbness in her heart grow stronger.

 _{It hurts even more when she realizes that he didn't even look back at her}_


	2. leave me with a promise of return

_Alternate ending to Chapter 1._

 _Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays guys! Not really much of a happy gift but hope you like it! :)_

* * *

He stopped just then, hand curled around the door knob ready to open it, but he stood there, frozen still in place. Why? Levi does not understand.

 _Wait, don't leave!_

The words, simple but heavy with meaning, hang in the silence, and he can feel her eyes burning through his back wanting to get him to look at her. Levi could have left already, he could have apologized one more time not out of guilt but because he couldn't bear to look at the woman he had let down. He could have done all that, but he does not.

He does not because what else can he do? Levi wanted to come here because he owed her an apology. An overdue apology that he has yet to be forgiven. He has had so many regrets for so long, long dead friends and comrades. Nameless faces whom he had failed in the past and now his recently dead squad, with the exception of Petra.

He failed her and his squad, he failed their trust and now even if Levi wanted nothing more than to run away, to hide himself in shame, he couldn't do it. Not when Petra wanted something out of him right now.

Turning in place, his gaze turns back to the lone survivor of his squad. The fear and longing present in her eyes, and with her outstretched arm towards him, as if trying to reach for his faraway form, she is poised as if she had everything taken away and wanted something to ground her. This, Levi recognizes, especially since he had been in this situation before.

They're now at a standstill, piercing silver clashing against fiery amber. It would have been a usual thing for the both of them if it weren't for the fact that Petra is now bound to her wheelchair and her stance is now as desperate than she was.

When he first saw since her discharge, he felt bile rise up in his gut. He had done that to her and Levi couldn't bear to look at the product of his negligence.

"Please," it is all but a plea, a silent whisper that brought the man out of his deprecating thoughts.

Petra looks at him, like he has the answer for whatever she is looking for, which is sad to say, none.

"Please," Petra iterates, knuckles turning white from gripping the sides of her wheelchair so hard. Eyes turning red from the unshed tears. "Promise me you'll stay."

"Petra, I–"

"–Then promise me you'll come back." She states, determined to not let him go. "No matter how long it'll take. I'll be waiting right here."

Levi only hopes she is right when that time comes.


End file.
